Monday, 2 April 2018

Okay? Okay.

Is is that bad that I don't want to share you with anyone else? 


Yes I'm selfish, I don't want to share you with anyone. Especially not with someone I don't like. Moreover with someone who has actively wedge themselves in between. I think I'm atleast entitled to that after a year? Am I not?


We agreed to talk things out when something bad happens. But when we did, what then? I told you I felt disregarded, I told you I felt irrelevant, I told you I felt replaced. But my thoughts were only met with a "Kenapa ya fikir begitu?", that, and what felt like an eternity of silence. Comforting. Very reassuring. Not. "A friend's silence hurts more than an enemy's words", in that moment of weakness I saw the reality of how things were, there was no way out of it. The thirdwheeler is always yelling shotgun, and gaining permanent footing in your life. I, on the other hand, am left scavenging for pieces of lost time with you. But overthinking every minute gained and every second spent around you.


Remember way back when, when you said "I think one of the rudest thing one could do is connecting with somenone far away, while disregarding people in front of you.", well I do. I'm not trying to bring old shit up, but that's what's happening now. Every time your phone gets a notification, its another brick on my wall, everytime your phone buzzes, it adds to the gap between us. I'm not trying to be bitter, I tried my best to turn a blind eye and be deaf to all of that. I literally look away when I see your phone light up and even close my eyes when the screen is right smack in front of my face. Coz I know, some of those frequent notifications are from "your friend..". I swear I died a little every time you talk about doing things or meeting up with that friend. That friend that you replaced me with.


"My friend.." is the start of every sentence that I hate coming out of you. "My Friend.." is code for "I'm ditching you for a bit but you can't be mad at me for it, coz I'll be back after coz I'm stuck with you anyways..". "My Friend.." is two words that carry a great meaning to everyone in the whole world, everyone but me. Because "My Friend.." is you replacing me, again and again.


Though I guess one can never be solely blamed for the faults that happened in our lives. "If it's not a matter of life or death, then one can not be said to be forced to do things they don't already want to do.". In this, I realized, if ever one was enough, you would not have gone searching for another. Funny how I thought I was ever good enough. I'm not. Not to anyone. That's evident.


I was never big on sharing, especially not when it comes to people that are mine. I thought you were mine? I thought we could fix things? I thought our wanting to be together would trump everything else? I thought going blind, deaf and mute now and then is an okay price to pay to have you around? Guess I thought wrong? I know I'm difficult but I was foolish to think that maybe as difficult as I am, you'd still need me. But seeing as how you don't feel it necessary to address my insecurities, and how you're always running back to "your friend.." I guess you don't really need me as much I need you. So in the spirit of awful sportsmanship ie sore losership, "if anyone can have it, then I don't want it." If your friend wants you, your friend can have you. I'm not gonna hold it against you for doing whatever you want now, because I'm so tired feeling replaced. 


Okay? Okay.

Friday, 6 January 2017

I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A THING FOR YOU.

I was always there,
But you never seemed to care.
Though you didn't say you chose him over me,
Its obvious from all the things I see.
You're present,
But your mind was beyond distant.
You said we're okay,
But you pushed me further day after day.
I like you I really do,
But I like me too.
It hurts ditching you,
but it hurts even more being around you.
And though its hell to savor,
I'll do you one last favor.
I'll abandon everything that we've built,
So you go on, live without guilt.
I won't lie, It hurts like hell that you chose him over me.
Yes, whatever you call it, you still replaced me.
You do everything we used to do together with him.
You make time for him.
You leave me alone,
knowing full well I hate being alone.
Don't tell me not to feel all this,
coz I can feel nothing but this.
I can't be fine with it,
I wont ever be okay with it.
But I know I have to let go,
and I will do so.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

FAILED.

So much for my new year's resolution. Not even 24 hours into the new year and I'm already reverting back to my old self again. Old habits sure die hard.

Saturday, 31 December 2016

when it comes to you, I’m weak. I couldn’t say no. I can never say no to you. We fell apart and I can’t say that I’m left mystified because I knew that it would happen. That’s just what loving you is. It’s an incredible high followed by the comedown. Just as I expected, I still struggle to let you go.

Where did that strong, independent person who I was when I met you go? In many ways you are just like a drug – never really caring for me and yet I would cast everything aside, including all rational thought, just to be with you. How did I become reduced to an addict?

I keep holding on. I keep telling myself things will get better, that you do care about me. I tell myself that you have a hard time showing affection. I tell myself that you show you care about me in different ways, even though I’m not entirely sure what those ways are. I keep twisting things in my head because I didn’t want to accept not having you in my life.