Sunday, 31 August 2014

SUMKINDADIARYENTRYSHITSHIT.

Whaddaya do, when you're ready to talk, but the right person is not around to listen to you?
Nothing. Just suck it up and move on. They have their own problems too.



My life sucks. 
No. This is not a shout out for attention. No. this is not a cry for help. No. This is not what you think it is. What ever it is that you're thinking. This is just me saying things. Irrelevant things. Stupid things. Things i wont get to say or chose not to say in life, for the fear of offending people or just to be perceived as shallow, or for the fact that everything I say, can and will be used against me. 

ONE.
I feel useless. Unwanted. Expendable. Forgotten. I've always been the loner type of person. And perhaps because of this fact in time I became invisible, like an echo, only heard and not seen, like a ghost, only heard of through rumors and words of mouth. Like nothing. I guess I brought this upon myself, being so introverted and shit. But, I can't help it, I'm just not programmed to socialize through normal means.

It's not like I don't try, I have. Time and time again. It's not like I don't want to be normal, I do. I don't wanna be stiff around even my best friend, like I am now. it's just that I don't know how. This is the way I've been since I can remember, the only normal I know. This. Sucks. Being too stiff sucks.

"It's okay, we know you're just shy", "You'll warm up soon enough", "Loosen up". They all say that like its nothing. Acting like they don't mind and stuff. But I can see, I can see how their expressions changed, how they hide their disappointments, how they tip toe around my smaller-than-life-existence. It's tiring I guess. To avoid this, I avoid meeting, I avoid people all together. I find that, that's easier, they don't have to pretend they care, and I don't have to pretend that I'm okay. But its clear that what I'm doing now is just digging a deeper hole for myself. But I don't know what to do. I hate that. I hate them. I hate me. 

TWO.
Not all of us get that fairy tale happy ending we yearned for. Most of us are just happy. Others only get to the ending. A few, an unlucky few, neither get happy nor an ending. Those unlucky few are trapped in a nightmare that never ends. Y'know, when the King and Queen fights, it's the people that gets it. When a husband and wife fight, it's the children that gets it. In this circumstance, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Eventually.

"They'll be okay" "They're okay now right", some common comments. Often with a painful smile on my face, while stumbling upon words, tongue tied, an excessive nod, I forced out "Yeah". A false reassurance. A lie. 'Cause deep down I know, It'll never be 'alright'. Like the war in Vietnam, it may have ended years ago, but those unexploded bombs and landmines are still there, taking more lives as the years past, even long after the war ended. This is what it feels like here and now. Tip toeing through a mine field. One false move and a bomb explodes. You can't be too careful in times like this. Everything you say and do can and will be used against you. This need to be excessively careful, to examine, assess and reassess every move and speech time and time again just turns you into more of a shrew than man. Being afraid of anything and everything, you revert back into a rock, saying nothing, doing nothing, giving up on everything.

THREE.

Over 7 billion people in the world, and almost all of them feels lonely. Why?
Over 7 billion people in the world, and almost all of them think they're special. Are they?
Over 7 billion people in the world, and I'm still single. How is that possible?
I don't know man. I just don't know.


* * * * *

HELLO ALL YOU I'M-NOT-SURE-IF-YOU-EXIST-READERSSSSSSS!
How have yaguys beeaaawww crud. Who am I kidding, I'm literally talking to myself now.


("=3=)

So I was tweaking my twitter profile earlier today when I accidentally clicked on this long forgotten link, a link to my blog. up until today I totally forgot I had this thing. Sure This is where I used yap non stop, but now, now that blogging isn't really the big fad anymore, I kinda forgot about it. Bad blogger I am.

But I'm here now KubiKubi (Yes. Imma call it that from now on).


* * * * *

Things that changed:

  1. I'm 20 now.
  2. Commencing my third year of my bloody-hard-degree (God Help Me!).
  3. I have a car! (Mi bebi Alice!)
Things that stayed the same:
  1. I AM STILL A BLOODY IDIOT.
  2. I AM STILL A BLOODY IDIOT.
  3. I AM STILL A BLOODY IDIOT.


p/s: That moment when you're not sure if you're okay or not. And you don't know who to talk to and more over what to talk about as there are just tonnes of things on your mind. yeah, this is one of those moments. Guess I'm not that okay huhh :B

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