Saturday, 31 December 2016

when it comes to you, I’m weak. I couldn’t say no. I can never say no to you. We fell apart and I can’t say that I’m left mystified because I knew that it would happen. That’s just what loving you is. It’s an incredible high followed by the comedown. Just as I expected, I still struggle to let you go.

Where did that strong, independent person who I was when I met you go? In many ways you are just like a drug – never really caring for me and yet I would cast everything aside, including all rational thought, just to be with you. How did I become reduced to an addict?

I keep holding on. I keep telling myself things will get better, that you do care about me. I tell myself that you have a hard time showing affection. I tell myself that you show you care about me in different ways, even though I’m not entirely sure what those ways are. I keep twisting things in my head because I didn’t want to accept not having you in my life.

Monday, 26 December 2016

When someone you thought would always choose you, being replaced hurts twice as being rejected. It just ruins you. It breaks you apart – trust, belief, self-worth and even morals. You could never look at the person or love the same way again. You will always doubt and be scared and never be out there, like totally out there

You will actually pray you will forget everything and re-start to the time you didn’t know that person or to that time that person’s existence didn’t mean anything to you.

You get this perception in your minds that you miss the person you're close with, but it’s the idea of them that gives you the heartache. It is rather the things you connect them with and the little things that have etched themselves into you.

You lose them everytime you think of them. You lose them again doing things you used to do together. All day you lose them. At night, thoughts of what once were lul you to sleep. In the morning you wake up, and you start losing them again. You're way past broken. But you keep it in because, the one person you wanted to care, doesn't.

Thursday, 22 December 2016

FIGURES.

12.30 AM
23rd DEC 2016

Half an hour past midnight.
No birthday wishes from family, best friends, friends, no nothing.
Literally nobody rushed to be the first person to wish me a happy birthday.
Not that I expected any from anyone.
Just didn't expect to feel this bad either.
I have literally no impact in anyone's life.
Insignificant to just about everyone.
I'm Insignificant as fcuk.



Okay 😕

Friday, 21 October 2016

OKAY.

I'm not gonna say I'm okay. I don't wanna be okay. Because I'm really not okay. I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me. Of course it fucking affected me, anyone in my shoes with the same feelings would feel exactly how I feel. Oversensitive? Not that I have to justify myself but, if I'm not sensitive then I wouldn't be me? Those who assumed I'd be okay with it, or wants me to be okay with it, what? Are you denying me of my feelings? I can't feel what I'm feeling, just because the world think its no big deal? Okay.



If I told you I was okay when I'm not, that'll just erase everything that happened, and I'm expected to forget about it all together, so everyone can get back on with their lives. Convenient? Yeah. To everyone but me.



"Stop being too sensitive."
Magic words that have effect the moment you say it. Not. I'm not asking you, or anyone to pity me, but I'm really trying to not let things bother me. But they just do. Simple things gives me pleasure, but when your yardstick for happiness is that low, little things affect you easily as well. Its harder when someone you thought has your back, tells you to watch your own. Just because people think I'm strong, doesn't mean I am. Just because people think I'll be fine, doesn't mean I'll be okay.



Okay is not happy, but okay is not bad enough for anyone to care. Okay is not okay.

Monday, 19 September 2016

WHEN YOU CARE BUT PAINFULLY ACT LIKE YOU DON'T

I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.


I have been called the, “king of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some friends and I were talking about love and I quoted, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.


I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the people to make the first move, and who acts like they couldn’t care less whether the other does or doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.


But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.


What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “king of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less.


When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?


So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay. 

Saturday, 17 September 2016

NOBODY KNOWS.

Nobody knows how different I am
The outside of me is not afraid
Not full of pain, or even ashamed
I smile and all those ignorant fools believe
Of course nothing could be wrong with me
My eyes are dry, I do not shed tears
For that gift was taken away from me dear
I laugh and talk and play along
Keep on existing as if nothings wrong


Nobody knows how different I am
The inside of me is hollow and empty
Do not fret my dear, for I do not want your pity
I'm tattered and broken and beyond repair
My heart is crumbling and full of despair
I'm bloodied and beaten and not really living
I just go through these motions and continue existing
I'm scared and lost and clueless as can be
Is there no one out here to help me


Nobody knows how different I am
And that will never change

Saturday, 10 September 2016

HAUNTED.

I don't suppose you need to believe in ghosts to know that we're all haunted. All of us. By things we can see and feel and guess at, and many more things that we can't. It's weird how a guy can feel so sad just by being lonely. It seems that most guys dont care about the stuffs that I care about. Being lonely as a guy gets very little sympathy. Girls can talk to each other, but theres not much support for the matter for guys. Sometimes I feel that I'm not supposed to admit that I'm lonely, when I really wish I had someone to cuddle with right now. When guys say things like this, "pussies", thats the most common response people get. Thats the most common respond I get. It's sad and it's hard, but I guess I just have to grin and bear it until I find someone who has time for me.


Everyone wants to be accepted. Everyone wants to feel like they belonged somewhere, feel important to someone. Needed. Wanted. Everyone wants to fit in. Everyone. But reality is, life is not that fair. Each and everyone of us bears a purpose. We're all mere cells functioning for the greater structure. What if, not all of us are meant to fit in. What if, the functions of certain people are not that which they hoped for? I mean, everyone wants to fit in, but not everyone can. Life is not that fair. What if my purpose in life specifically is to not fit in anywhere. What if my sole purpose is to be alone, falling back, providing chances for other people to fit in instead. what if my speculations are actually true? Bucket loads of what ifs.


People say we are shaped by those choices we made, that we are only as good as we make ourselves to be. That being a misfit is never up to chance but its a result of choice. I think those who say that, has never had a problem trying making friends, because making friends is soooo easy for them. If everyone wants to fit in then who do you reckoned be included? And who do you suggest be left out? Current status quo simplified this, those who are bubbly and nice and well liked will be included in everything, people like me, awkward, peculiar, difficult people are often the ones left out. Years of this made people like me numb, we dont fight to fit in no more. We've had so many experience being out of the loop that we don't even flinch being treated that way again and again. Though it does hurt time and time again. But who better to shoulder the shroud of loneliness than those who has had ample practice at it right?


I am not crying for help, nor am I overreacting. I'm just letting out things that I feel. The things that has been haunting me, eating away at my conscience. People don't get me. They try to. Sometimes they think they do, but often it's coz I made them think they can. Its hard to let people in. Its harder when you witness them slowly changing when you think they wouldn't. Its harder still to tell yourself that you're okay with those changes in them. I need constant reassurance that I am important to people, yet to most I'm just an option, and most don't feel the things I feel. But my feelings are irrelevant, this rant is irrelevant, and if you happen to read through all this, I apologise.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

WALLS.

STRUGGLES OF BEING TERRIBLE AT EXPRESSING YOURSELF.


1. YOU UNINTENTIONALLY BECOME A PUSHOVER.
When you don't say what's bothering you, people will think that you're incapable of being bothered. It's not that people never make you angry, it's that you're hesitant to show when you're blatantly upset. The moment you begin to let someone take advantage, is when it becomes a problem. You don't have to justify the way you feel, but if you hide your feelings no one will ever know you're feeling them.



2. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER OFF AVOIDING CONFLICT THAN SAYING HOW YOU FEEL.
Sometimes you're willing to swallow your annoyance in order to detour confrontation. Conflict isn't something you're afraid of, it's just something you don't feel like dealing with, so you push whatever anger you're feeling aside and hope one day that you don't spontaneously combust, but the more anger and annoyance you push aside, the more frustrated you'll eventually become. Sometimes holding back is more damaging than the confrontation you're attempting to avoid.



3. YOU BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE BEING ASKED ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.
You might even be allergic to the question. When you sense that the conversation is heading in an emotional direction, you attempt to make a U turn. "I don't know" becomes a phrase you're accustomed to using, and when that answer is not good enough for them, you have no idea how to express what's spinning around in that head of yours.



4. YOU BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO RELATE TO.
When you're terrible at expressing yourself, no matter how hard people try to understand you, they won't know what you're feeling unless you tell them. They can't relate to what you're going through if they have no idea you're going through it (obviously).



5. YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE WAY MORE FEELINGS THAN MOST PEOPLE DO.
It's because you're terrible at talking about them, so you feel like you have more feelings than everyone else, and that might be why you're hesitant to share them, because you fear that your feelings are over exaggerated, or dramatic, or abnormal in every way possible. But the great thing about your feelings is that they are YOURS, and no one else's, and chances are people won't judge you for having them. If they do, then clearly they don't deserve to be in your life?



6. YOU OFTEN FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD.
Your mode of self expression isn't always conventional for a relationship, and sometimes you're uncertain of the best way to say what's on your mind. Stop looking for the best way, because there is no 'right' way to voice your feelings, there is just the way you choose to do it. You're feeling misunderstood because you have troubles in saying what you mean, but everyone has a different way of communicating, and maybe you're is more unconventional than simply talking. Write it down, draw a picture, burn something, whatever you need to feel heard, go for it, and then you'll end up feeling a little less misunderstood.

SIMPLE WORDS COMPLICATED FEELINGS.

Loneliness is a temporary feeling. its when your roomate leaves you alone for a week for a family vacation. It's what you feel when the person you shared your days with for ages unexpectedly changes their mind and starts sharing others'. It's what you feel when you pass that couple on the sidewalk holding hands and you have only your phone in yours.
 
 
Loneliness comes in waves. One moment you feel fine, and the solitude brings you peace. The next moment the quite hurts your ears, and you can't do anything about it.
 
 
The weird thing about loneliness is that you don't have to be alone to feel alone. Someone could be sitting right next to you, talking to you, looking at you, saying things you would normally love to hear, but you still feel like no one is there.
 
 
Emptiness is completely different. Emptiness is what remains when loneliness recedes. Emptiness stays.
 
 
Emptiness does not come and go in waves, it is static. You don't feel empty, you know it. You know that something is missing, but you don't know what, until the vacant space is filled.
 
 
Emptiness doesn't return like loneliness does. Once you fill that hole that emptiness digs, it doesn't appear again.
 
 
Emptiness is what you feel when you feel you're missing a connection. Loneliness is what you feel when a connection is lost.

Friday, 29 July 2016

Maybe its a feeling of a lack thereof. Writing anything could be wrong, yet lacking feelings is exactly a state of mind that exists. It's odd because if you have even one word to say about it, you are feeling something. Yet I and many others assure you probably know what I am trying to say without describing it.

NUMB

"I wanted to write down exactly what I felt,
but somehow the paper stayed empty,
and I could not have described it any better."

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

CRUSHING MOMENTS



What are some soul crushing moments you have when you have a crush?
Every moment. Every moment is a damn crushing moment.
Its almost painful to see your crush, because you're so aware of them, but they, they might not even know you exist.


Running into your crush. Usually happens when you don't want it to happen. Maybe its your lazy day, and you just got outta bed, smelling like a turd, or youre just a plain Jane, its usually when you're not at you're best, that's when you run into your crush.
 
 
All along you wonder if you should make the first move. But you don't wanna come off as too eager. So first you gotta like work up the courage just to send them a text. And then you wait. And then you just wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. Till finally they text you back and that's, that's just great.
 
 
Now when you've had a crush for so long. And then you get the chance to hang out with them, and you just feel like you're gonna vomit all over yourself, and you feel like you're not gonna be able to speak human languages, real human sentences, and you just wanna die. Yeah.
 
During all the times you spent with them, then you worry if you're in the friendzone. Which is difficult one to navigate. All the while you think to yourself, do you want that person to know that you like them? Or do you wanna pretend that you don't like them hoping that they realize that you like them?
 
Yet the worst thing is waiting for a text from your crush and then your phone buzzes, and you're so excited, your heart's gonna fall outta your butt. But then you look at your phone only to find something like a game update or a text from your mum, or that person who annoys the fcuk outta you.
 
Done stalking them. Then you just get so frustrated with yourself for not making a move. When every day you have a plan on how you're gonna approach this person, tell them how much you liked them for so long and then, something happens that start to look up for you. They show sides unknown to others to you making you feel things. Things you didn't know you can feel.
 
 
Every other times your crush show this new side of them to you, you think to yourself, this is it, its on! And then, stuff just doesn't turn out the way you thought they would.
 
Now another crushing moment you have is when you see this crush person with someone else. That hurts. That just stinks. But you cant say anything, coz its totally not your business. Then, maybe you're high and you do something stupid, and you just wanna curl up into a ball and die. And you can't stop from replaying that stupid thing you did over, and over, and over, and over in your brain. And you know that you might just changed something. And you start to question everything.
 
Not wanting to wallow in self pity, you're just gonna be sad for a while, but you need to live life cause' that's what you need to do. Then eventually it'll be fine. Just chill. Being around them isn't awkward or humiliating anymore. It is sad when you just like someone. But it doesn't have to be that way. Crushes suck. But sometimes not so much. Sometimes it can be better than what you've dreamed of? :)


Thursday, 16 June 2016

CLOUDS

This is not a love poem,
Today I have nothing loving to say.

Today I've had a big fat black cloud,
Hovering above my head all day.

I didn't catch the sunrise,
The bird didn't whistle or sing my song.

I guess it's gonna be one of those bad days,
All day long.

This big fat cloud is stalking me,
I wish it would go away.

It doesn't seem very likely,
It seems like it's here to stay!

This cloud is stubborn, it is relentless,
I guess it's going to rain and hail bucket loads on me.

I wish I could escape this feeling,
And fly to the forest or the sea!

This is where I'm happy, alone,
Where the clouds can't rain on my parade.

Instead I have to stay here, fake a smile,
And continue with my charade.

I told you this is not a love poem,
The clouds won't leave me alone.

These clouds won't quit until it turns my heart into stone.

This is not a love poem,
Today I have nothing loving to say,
I will pray tomorrow that I will catch the sunrise,
And that the birds will whistle and sing my song,

Coz I can't handle another cloudy bad day,
This has dragged on too long!

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

MISFIT

This is a cliche but, have you ever questioned your existence?
I mean we live in a world of over 7 billion people, across 7 continents, beyond 7 seas, in 197 countries, throughout the 4 seasons, according to 24 different standard time zones, but ever wondered what sets us apart? Makes us different? Unique?
On the other hand, we share the same moon, bask in the same sunlight, nurtured by the one and only Earth, yet why do we still think some lives are worth more than others?
As humans, why do we spend so much time bent on standing out, getting noticed, being different, only to want, crave, and beg, for acceptance of the people we set ourselves apart from later on.

I think, growing up is a disease transforming us into ignorant bastards. Of course this assumption is based on personal experience. Its been known that of late, I've been somewhat ignorant of life, I don't go out of my way to make friends, I disregard the idea of socializing just to save myself from the hassles of favors and help, and benefit the reward of extended nap-naps. I thought, who better to understand your desires other than yourself. Never have I been so wrong. So, here I am, alone most of the time, being envious of the giggles, chuckles, laughs of groups of youths, with no idea what to do. This silent front most people see me in, forever mark myself as an arrogant narcissist at his prime. With every passing day the hope of being part of a bigger picture turns in disappointing results, with every result I get more and more depressed, the more depressed I get, the more I sleep, and god help me coz one of these days I might sleep and never wake up. Haiz. I hate me. 

I just cant seem to connect with anyone. I'm that misfit in the band of misfits, try as I may try as I might, that wont change.

PAPER HEART

Reams of paper at my feet
Words I write, my desolation

My coward heart locked inside
The words I long to sing

My pen is stilled, my heart explodes
My words tumble to the ground

The evidence, on clear display
In reams of paper at my feet.

SECRETS

I've lost the words I tried to say
I cant keep my lost feelings at bay
I tried to run I tried to stay
But still my pain upon me weighs

Forget the secrets I told and cried
Forget the times I told and lied
I try to keep them captived inside
I failed I lost although I tried

If you could find my secret might
The strenght I lost but need to fight
I let my secret out of sight
I lost my head in a single sight.