Monday, 19 September 2016

WHEN YOU CARE BUT PAINFULLY ACT LIKE YOU DON'T

I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.


I have been called the, “king of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some friends and I were talking about love and I quoted, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.


I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the people to make the first move, and who acts like they couldn’t care less whether the other does or doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.


But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.


What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “king of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less.


When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?


So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay. 

Saturday, 17 September 2016

NOBODY KNOWS.

Nobody knows how different I am
The outside of me is not afraid
Not full of pain, or even ashamed
I smile and all those ignorant fools believe
Of course nothing could be wrong with me
My eyes are dry, I do not shed tears
For that gift was taken away from me dear
I laugh and talk and play along
Keep on existing as if nothings wrong


Nobody knows how different I am
The inside of me is hollow and empty
Do not fret my dear, for I do not want your pity
I'm tattered and broken and beyond repair
My heart is crumbling and full of despair
I'm bloodied and beaten and not really living
I just go through these motions and continue existing
I'm scared and lost and clueless as can be
Is there no one out here to help me


Nobody knows how different I am
And that will never change

Saturday, 10 September 2016

HAUNTED.

I don't suppose you need to believe in ghosts to know that we're all haunted. All of us. By things we can see and feel and guess at, and many more things that we can't. It's weird how a guy can feel so sad just by being lonely. It seems that most guys dont care about the stuffs that I care about. Being lonely as a guy gets very little sympathy. Girls can talk to each other, but theres not much support for the matter for guys. Sometimes I feel that I'm not supposed to admit that I'm lonely, when I really wish I had someone to cuddle with right now. When guys say things like this, "pussies", thats the most common response people get. Thats the most common respond I get. It's sad and it's hard, but I guess I just have to grin and bear it until I find someone who has time for me.


Everyone wants to be accepted. Everyone wants to feel like they belonged somewhere, feel important to someone. Needed. Wanted. Everyone wants to fit in. Everyone. But reality is, life is not that fair. Each and everyone of us bears a purpose. We're all mere cells functioning for the greater structure. What if, not all of us are meant to fit in. What if, the functions of certain people are not that which they hoped for? I mean, everyone wants to fit in, but not everyone can. Life is not that fair. What if my purpose in life specifically is to not fit in anywhere. What if my sole purpose is to be alone, falling back, providing chances for other people to fit in instead. what if my speculations are actually true? Bucket loads of what ifs.


People say we are shaped by those choices we made, that we are only as good as we make ourselves to be. That being a misfit is never up to chance but its a result of choice. I think those who say that, has never had a problem trying making friends, because making friends is soooo easy for them. If everyone wants to fit in then who do you reckoned be included? And who do you suggest be left out? Current status quo simplified this, those who are bubbly and nice and well liked will be included in everything, people like me, awkward, peculiar, difficult people are often the ones left out. Years of this made people like me numb, we dont fight to fit in no more. We've had so many experience being out of the loop that we don't even flinch being treated that way again and again. Though it does hurt time and time again. But who better to shoulder the shroud of loneliness than those who has had ample practice at it right?


I am not crying for help, nor am I overreacting. I'm just letting out things that I feel. The things that has been haunting me, eating away at my conscience. People don't get me. They try to. Sometimes they think they do, but often it's coz I made them think they can. Its hard to let people in. Its harder when you witness them slowly changing when you think they wouldn't. Its harder still to tell yourself that you're okay with those changes in them. I need constant reassurance that I am important to people, yet to most I'm just an option, and most don't feel the things I feel. But my feelings are irrelevant, this rant is irrelevant, and if you happen to read through all this, I apologise.