Saturday, 10 September 2016

HAUNTED.

I don't suppose you need to believe in ghosts to know that we're all haunted. All of us. By things we can see and feel and guess at, and many more things that we can't. It's weird how a guy can feel so sad just by being lonely. It seems that most guys dont care about the stuffs that I care about. Being lonely as a guy gets very little sympathy. Girls can talk to each other, but theres not much support for the matter for guys. Sometimes I feel that I'm not supposed to admit that I'm lonely, when I really wish I had someone to cuddle with right now. When guys say things like this, "pussies", thats the most common response people get. Thats the most common respond I get. It's sad and it's hard, but I guess I just have to grin and bear it until I find someone who has time for me.


Everyone wants to be accepted. Everyone wants to feel like they belonged somewhere, feel important to someone. Needed. Wanted. Everyone wants to fit in. Everyone. But reality is, life is not that fair. Each and everyone of us bears a purpose. We're all mere cells functioning for the greater structure. What if, not all of us are meant to fit in. What if, the functions of certain people are not that which they hoped for? I mean, everyone wants to fit in, but not everyone can. Life is not that fair. What if my purpose in life specifically is to not fit in anywhere. What if my sole purpose is to be alone, falling back, providing chances for other people to fit in instead. what if my speculations are actually true? Bucket loads of what ifs.


People say we are shaped by those choices we made, that we are only as good as we make ourselves to be. That being a misfit is never up to chance but its a result of choice. I think those who say that, has never had a problem trying making friends, because making friends is soooo easy for them. If everyone wants to fit in then who do you reckoned be included? And who do you suggest be left out? Current status quo simplified this, those who are bubbly and nice and well liked will be included in everything, people like me, awkward, peculiar, difficult people are often the ones left out. Years of this made people like me numb, we dont fight to fit in no more. We've had so many experience being out of the loop that we don't even flinch being treated that way again and again. Though it does hurt time and time again. But who better to shoulder the shroud of loneliness than those who has had ample practice at it right?


I am not crying for help, nor am I overreacting. I'm just letting out things that I feel. The things that has been haunting me, eating away at my conscience. People don't get me. They try to. Sometimes they think they do, but often it's coz I made them think they can. Its hard to let people in. Its harder when you witness them slowly changing when you think they wouldn't. Its harder still to tell yourself that you're okay with those changes in them. I need constant reassurance that I am important to people, yet to most I'm just an option, and most don't feel the things I feel. But my feelings are irrelevant, this rant is irrelevant, and if you happen to read through all this, I apologise.

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